“Do not try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist; use it to be a better whatever-you-already-are.” - The Dalai Lama
The principles of Buddhism are responsible for a large part of my personal growth. I am not a practicing Buddhist; however, I don’t believe I have to devote myself to a religion to learn it’s important ethical teachings. Through Buddhism, I have found an outlook that brings calmness and gratitude through times of stress and anxiety. I’d like to share three Buddhist lessons that have helped me understand, appreciate, and triumph over the difficult times of my life.
Lesson 1: Expectation is the root of disappointment
In Buddhism, the ultimate goal is to achieve Enlightenment. This is a state of awareness where one attains the knowledge to end negative emotions. It is through The Buddha’s teachings that one learns how to achieve enlightenment. These teachings come in the form of parables, instructions, and warnings. The Buddha cautions that what prevents people from achieving peace is their expectations. Believing in abstract notions of how enlightenment should feel creates illusions that we cannot attain. Chasing illusions leaves the monk feeling tired, frustrated, and confused. The Buddha offers an antidote to the feeling of loss that comes from ineffectual and persistent striving: a radical acceptance of every circumstance as it arises.
How is this relevant today?
I believe that attaining enlightenment is a universal human desire. Yet, not every culture calls the feeling pursued by the same name. The difference lies not in what we are seeking, but in the words we use to describe it. For example, in American culture, we label our version of enlightenment as, “happiness”.
In economically developed countries, one path for pursuing happiness is through professional accomplishments and buying things. I am very guilty of this. I tell myself that “I will be happy if I get a promotion” or “my life would be better if I had a certain amount of money”. Yet achieving these goals never provide as much happiness as I initially expected. I find myself as confused and frustrated as the Buddhist monk whose unrealistic expectations keep him further from his goal of contentment.
The Buddha taught that we should dispel the illusion that our happiness (or enlightenment) lies in the distant future. The comforting and surprisingly simple teaching is that the materials for peace are always available in the present moment. I don’t need a promotion or more money to be happy; I can choose to be happy right now. With mindfulness and gratitude, I can see what a miracle it is to be alive.
Lesson 2: My perception of the emotion is more harmful than the emotion itself
In Buddhist monk Thich Nhaht Hahn’s book, No Mud No Lotus, Hahn discusses how harshly judging our negative emotions makes these emotions more painful. Hahn shares a teaching from the Sallatha Sutta known as The Arrow:
“If an arrow hits you, you will feel pain in that part of your body where the arrow hit; and then if a second arrow comes and strikes exactly at the same spot, the pain will not only double, it will become at least ten times more intense”
How is this relevant today?
In this parable, the first arrow represents pain inflicted from an unavoidable circumstance: experiencing a breakup, losing a job, or having a fight with a family member. The suffering from the first arrow is painful enough. The pain becomes “ten times more intense” when we despair and degrade ourselves for our initial emotion. The harsh self-criticism of emotions is what Sutta regards as The Second Arrow.
I can’t count how many times I have experienced anxiety, loss, anger, jealousy, regret, and then, as if the initial emotional pain wasn’t bad enough, I became upset with myself for having those feelings. I tell myself that having anxiety, being angry, or being jealous is the result of an inferior intellect. This becomes a painful and perpetuating cycle where rejection and hiding from my emotions increase their ability to make me angry, anxious, and self-loathing.
I have learned from Buddhism that I cannot control my initial emotional response; but, I can control my response to the initial reaction. Rather than condemning myself for my reaction, I can use mindfulness to deconstruct, understand, and accept the emotion. Once I understand the conditions and experiences that gave rise to my suffering, I can see that my emotional response is not the result of stupidity; it is the result of being human. By becoming aware of how I am feeling without judgment, I can change my perspective on the emotional experience. Rather than telling myself how I, “should or should not feel”, I just remember that this is a fleeting emotion and I am not a criminal for having feelings. To borrow a quote from Carl Rogers, “when I accept myself just as I am, then I change”.
Lesson 3: I can train myself to see the beauty in all things
In Thich Nhat Hahn’s book, Peace is Every Step, Hahn explains how changing our perception brings peace in his section titled Flowers and Garbage.
Hahn points out that flowers are colorful and fragrant, while garbage smells bad and is unattractive. Because of these characteristics we think positively of flowers and negatively of garbage. Hahn states that the common view on flowers and garbage shows how labeling things as either “good” or “bad” disregards profound and often-hidden truths.
For instance, flowers and garbage are so intertwined that to label one as bad and the other as good overlooks the symbiotic relationship that takes place between them. When we analyze the relationship between the two, we see that without garbage the flowers would not grow. Similarly, when the flowers grow old and die they will become garbage. The flowers and garbage rely on each other to exist. Since we cannot have one without the other, they each deserve our equal respect and admiration. In Buddhism, this idea is known as “Interbeing''.
How is this relevant today?
I have an unconscious tendency to classify things as either good or bad. This is known as “Black-and-White Thinking”. Most of the time it is helpful, but sometimes it causes me unnecessary suffering. When I don’t analyze how Black-and-White thinking influences my perception, I mislabel things as bad that really aren’t bad at all. By labeling something as bad, it prevents me from seeing it’s positive aspects.
As a personal example, I get frustrated with myself for having anxiety. I try to numb and avoid the feeling, yet when I do that it causes me more pain. When I view my anxiety negatively, I fail to see how my anxious brain helps me stay active, creative, and empathetic. When viewed in a different light, my anxiety is actually a gift.
Buddhism has taught me that I can train myself to appreciate things as they are. When I try to see the beauty in the mundane, my world becomes an infinite source of amazement.
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