"Because of course if your fidelity to perfectionism is too high, you never do anything." - David Foster Wallace
I have struggled with a crippling perfectionism throughout my life. During my childhood, my “fidelity to perfectionism” was so high that I quit activities that I was intensely passionate about and didn’t attempt things that were remotely challenging. Proclaiming perfectionism to be a weakness can sound like a self-congratulating and inauthentic attempt at humility. It would be naive of me to think that a desire to achieve a high standard can really be considered a weakness. The insatiable desire to do things flawlessly has certainly brought tremendous rewards to my life. However, it also has kept me wide awake at night having a barely perceptible anxiety attack while thinking about the details of a work assignment that ultimately turned out to be unimportant. Being a perfectionist is not a weakness because it demands a high standard, but because it's unrelenting demand for flawlessness is so unreasonable that it prohibits me from trying new things. Whenever I fail to meet my own standard, I experience frustration and self-pity so pronounced that it effectively sucks the joy out of any activity.
The most debilitating side-effect of perfectionism is that receiving any sort of criticism feels like an intensely personal insult. As much as I can appreciate and understand the sentiment of the admonition to "not take feedback personally and recognize it as an opportunity to improve", it doesn't take away the initial hurt and frustration. When I was younger, this perfectionism-induced fear of criticism created a curious paradox within me: I wanted to be great so badly that I never gave anything my concentrated and sincere effort. To give effort required me to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable meant that someone could tell me that I was inadequate in some way, reducing an already fragile self-concept to dust. Perfectionism's most dangerous and engrossing allure lies in that it creates a comforting yet fictional reality. A reality in which I am faultless and that it is everyone else who is to blame for my talents not being recognized. Not only is this fictional reality vain and founded on false pretenses, but it inspires a sort of contempt for those around me that is wholly undeserved. As an attempt to protect my ego, I made sure not to try anything new and to personify mediocrity. Perfectionism’s most convincing argument being, “If you can just hide in the middle, no one will find and criticize you there”.
As a perfectionist, I pour so much energy and thought into my projects that they become a direct extension of my identity. Therefore, constructive feedback does not feel like a recommendation for improvement, but a criticism of me, Nate, the person. I am aware that this is illogical, but human emotions do not function like a computer program. Hurt, anger and anxiety are not bugs in my code that can be fixed and re-ran within a matter of seconds, although I wish they could. My relationship with criticism has certainly gotten better over time, but it has by no means arrived at some fixed and final state where negative emotions no longer surface. But that is OK. It is OK that I take criticism personally. I don't have to feel ashamed at the fact that I pour myself into things and am severely let down when the result is less than perfect. But what I cannot allow myself to do is let that pain stop me from doing what I love. If I allow my perfectionism to do that to me, then I no longer have any credibility to talk about things like impostor syndrome and motivation and self-awareness.
I am sharing this for a few reasons. One being that in some ways I feel like I missed an opportunity to share something intimate and personal with those who read my blog. The genesis of this blog is an attempt to conquer my long-debilitating perfectionism and pursue my dream of becoming an author. The other being that I have been facing self-doubt surrounding my blog after receiving criticism about it. I began to feel inadequate and unqualified to write about topics regarding self-improvement. I allowed the criticism to send me into an emotional tailspin that has prohibited me from putting my pen to paper for the past few weeks. The best way to destroy joy and creativity is to constantly tell yourself that you are unqualified and therefore not allowed to do what you are doing. External criticism gave way to internal criticism as I berated myself for allowing feedback to send me into a period self-censorship and inconsistency.
Over these past couple weeks, I have thought a lot about the nature of criticism and perfectionism; how the two weave and intertwine in ways that wrap the victim up in a suffocating death grip. I believe that the proponents of criticism are not wrong in their conclusion: it is impossible to improve any skill without feedback. But there is something that I - an unrelenting, unreasonable and self-castigating perfectionist - could benefit from hearing more often. I believe that message is that I will initially suck when I try something new. I will never begin a new endeavor with all the necessary knowledge. I will receive plenty of feedback about my inadequate performance. For me, those truths are going to hurt. Feedback will bruise and bludgeon any false sense of superiority into submission and it will never get any easier to take. I may not have control over the fact that my reaction to criticism is frustration, but I do have control over my reaction to my initial reaction. It is only me that can allow that criticism to impact my sense of self-worth and my ability to persevere. It is only me who can let criticism wound me so deeply that I no longer do what I love. Conquering my perfectionism is not the result of suffocating or numbing the discomfort out of existence. Conquering my perfectionism is the result of me suffering the internally inflicted wounds of self-pity and doing what I love anyway. Perhaps the best way to moderate an insecurity is not naively hoping that it will go away one day, but knowing that it will never go away and that each day is an opportunity to cultivate courage in the face of what feels like an immovable stone.
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