"We shift our perception of reality to meet our expectations rather than trying to see things as they truly are."
This book produced such a dramatic impact on my outlook on relationships that I now make an effort to read it once a year. Prior to reading this book, I had so little emotional intelligence that I was incapable of being compassionate or understanding. This lack of empathy made communicating with coworkers, peers and family members an exceedingly difficult task. My instincts were always seeking the faults in others rather than making an honest attempt to understand them. My default assumption was that people's actions are purposefully annoying, hurtful and inconsiderate. Not only was this view incorrect, but I also found that it prevented me from deeply connecting with others. This book forced me to ask myself some hard questions: what if it is my outlook that causes people to act disagreeably towards me? What if people really aren’t difficult at all when looking at them through a different lens? This realization may seem rather elementary, but I believe it is extremely difficult to remember during every interaction of our daily lives. Without awareness, we treat people like obstacles in the way of our goals rather than making a goal of understanding people.
This book utilizes a term referred to as, “being in the box”. To be in the box means to have a somewhat-fixed, negative view of someone's behavior and personality. In the box, we lose the ability to be objective about people because our judgement is clouded by negative emotionally charged perceptions of their actions. When we view someone unfavorably, we subconsciously (or intentionally) treat that person exactly how we expect them to behave. This creates a confrontational relationship where each party expects the other to be unpleasant and therefore they fulfill the role laid out for them by the other’s expectation. Said another way, if I think you are arrogant, I am going to interpret all your actions to be arrogant and treat you like an arrogant person. From my point of view, everything you do will seem arrogant to me. Trapped in my own negative frame of reference, I am hopelessly out of reach from reconciling my differences with you.
Consider a relationship between two roommates, Jack and Dave. Jack is tidy, overly-organized and has a very routine schedule. In other words, he’s anal. Dave, on the other hand is very easy-going and consequently, thinks of chores and cleanliness as secondary to relaxation. Jack silently resents Dave's lack of cleanliness and passive aggressively makes comments to voice his frustration. As an effort to test Dave's dedication to cleanliness, Jack leaves his dishes in the sink to see if Dave will clean them. When Jack returns home to see not only his dishes, but more dishes piled in the sink, he silently affirms his victory, "Ha, see!? I knew he was lazy, selfish and dirty!”. He can now bask in his glory as he cleans two times the amount of dishes that were originally in the sink. The problem in this situation is that Jack purposefully sets Dave up to fail so he can feel affirmed in his contempt for Dave. Jack secretly knows that Dave was not going to clean his dishes, so his “test” is a more of an effort to confirm previous biases. Rather than having a healthy dialogue, Jack now cleans twice the amount of dishes and thinks less of his roommate. Because Jack is in the box, he is more interested in his own biases rather than improving the relationship. Being in the box becomes dangerous because we shift our perception of reality to meet our expectations rather than trying to see things as they truly are.
Being in the box also causes us to become irritated by the personality traits of others that we ourselves are ashamed to have. This can be unsettling to digest as we all avoid internally reflecting on our insecurities like the Bubonic plague. It is far easier to believe that other people are irritating and that we are flawless; however, this self-centered perspective is fatally flawed and naïve. Rather than confronting our own internal insecurities, we grow irritated when we see others exhibit the same trait. Our mind plays a sinister trick by convincing us to cast our insecurities outward rather than looking within. The biggest mistake we can make on our path to diffusing difficult relationships is to assume people are wholly different than us. While we may have different experiences and cultural backgrounds, we are governed by similar emotional and psychological tendencies.
As another example, imagine two brothers, Lucas and Paul. Paul, the older brother, actively tries to set a good example for his younger brother Lucas. Recently, Paul was told by some of his friends that he was not a very good listener. While talking to Paul, his friends noted that he tends to gaze into space, check his phone and throw in an occasional disinterested, “oh really?”. Upon first hearing this, Paul was very mad at himself. Being a good friend is his number one priority and he conceptually understands the importance of being a good listener, but unfortunately, he has a tough time concentrating. This is all swimming around in Paul’s mind as he sits down to have a conversation with Lucas. In the midst of talking, Lucas pulls out his phone and stops paying attention while Paul is talking. Paul grows frustrated and lectures Lucas on the importance of active listening. As you can deduce, the confrontation is more a result of Paul’s internal frustration than with Lucas’s actions. Paul now feels the alienation that he made his friends feel and takes out his guilt on his brother. Paul is in the box regarding Lucas’s listening skills and now begins to constantly ridicule him about never listening. By not recognizing he is in the box, Paul cannot see the psychological roots and hypocrisy of his actions.
Recognizing what it means to, “be in the box” is important because you can examine the path you took to enter the box. If there was a way in, there must be a way out. The first step on the path out begins by realizing that each and every one of us feels completely justified in how we are feeling in each particular moment. We understand exactly what emotions and circumstances motivate our actions and can rationalize them in the face of criticism. Paradoxically, however, we do not extend this understanding to others. The skill of understanding people’s actions through their inner emotional world is better known as empathy. Without empathy, we forget that the people around us feel the same fear, joy, anger, inspiration and frustration that we feel.Rather than making an effort to compassionately understand, we end up misjudging the intentions of those around us to be inconsiderate. To get out of the box means to recognize these thought patterns and make an attempt to alter them. When we recognize what is driving our beliefs and thoughts, we are more able to change them.
As a final example, say you have a coworker with a very common name, like Tiberius. Tiberius is an overachiever that tends to monopolize meeting time with long-winded monologues about his weekend excursions. He tends not to listen to you while you are talking, but has no problem chatting for 20 minutes to you about his favorite movies. You are easily irritated by Tiberius and avoid conversation with him at all possible costs. After becoming aware that your perception of Tiberius is clouded by annoyance, you make an effort to get to know him better. You find that he is the middle child of five siblings. His brothers and sisters went on to become lawyers, doctors and investment bankers, so Tiberius had to do everything in his power to gain recognition and approval from his family members. He has been desperately seeking attention for the past 35 years, so naturally this is almost hard-wired into his behavior among a group of people. This understanding of Tiberius makes his behavior appear less self-congratulating; above all things, he just wants someone to listen. In these moments, it almost seems that people appear more bare, vulnerable and human. Even though you now understand Tiberius better, you perform an extra-step of internal analysis so you can understand yourself and change your behavior. You ask yourself in what ways you like to be the center of attention. You think back to all those parties in college where people would laugh at your jokes and stroke your ego about your charming personality. You begin to ask yourself if maybe you are jealous that Tiberius is taking away attention you wish was yours. After realizing all this to be true, you now see that you and Tiberius really are not all that different. This realization can give way to extending more compassion toward him while feeling less anger and annoyance. Giving this type of love is a virtuous cycle that leaves both giver and receiver better off. Ruminating on personal insecurities can certainly be uncomfortable, but it is the only path to personal change. It takes uncomfortable internal reflection, empathy and consistent practice to get out of the box.
This book caused me to completely reexamine my relationship with myself and with others. When you choose to see people as fallible creatures who cannot help but behave based on the result of their past experiences, you begin to treat them with empathy and understanding. This realization affords the opportunity to be a better friend, spouse, parent, teammate and co-worker.
The next time you someone irritates you, I invite you to be mindful and consider this person’s circumstances: are they tired, lonely, stressed, or seeking confirmation? You’ll find that what manifests as a seemingly-trivial character flaw is someone who just wants to be affirmed, complimented and loved (just like you).
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