Crucial confrontations arise when failed expectations, hurt feelings or inappropriate behavior warrant an uncomfortable conversation in hopes to improve a relationship. Whether it be at work or at home, it is important to navigate crucial confrontations calmly and effectively so that our relationships can be strengthened by the communication. The need to communicate effectively becomes glaringly more apparent to me every day, especially during moments of rising anger or frustration. During the tough conversations of my personal and professional life, it is far easier to grow frustrated and react emotionally rather than utilize communication as a tool to improve my relationships.This book provided me with some tips and ideas on how to make crucial confrontations more beneficial and less emotionally charged.
A big reason crucial confrontations go wrong is because each party does not understand the internal source of their irritation. We choose to attack the other person’s action rather than communicate how their actions were perceived by us. Oftentimes, the way we interpret someone else’s behavior is vastly different from their intentions. By entering into a heated dialogue where each party accuses the other of foul play, we are unable to communicate our true emotions and establish mutual understanding.
As an example, say someone interrupts me while I am talking. At first I become frustrated. “That’s extremely rude.” I grumble to myself. But instead of verbally attacking this person for being inconsiderate or impolite (which will only lead to a pointless argument), I express to them how being interrupted makes me feel. I could say something like this: “I know you did not intend to hurt my feelings and I want to let you know that when you spoke over me, it made me feel like I wasn’t saying anything important. To be really honest, it makes me feel unintelligent or uninteresting when people do that.”
By communicating your feelings rather than attacking their behavior, you create an environment where empathy and change is possible. It is OK to be vulnerable and honest. Matter of fact, the presence of vulnerability makes crucial confrontations more effective! Providing that this person really cares about you, they will understand that they have hurt your feelings and communicate that it was not their intention to do so. This provides an opportunity to discuss how these situations can be avoided in the future.
Three Helpful Tips
1. Communicate in “I” messages.
Using “I messages” requires that you start off a sentence by stating how something made you feel. For instance, “I felt insecure when you made that comment”. This prevents escalation because no one can argue with your emotions. More importantly, Using “I” statements stops you from accusing the person of hurtful intentions and causing them to grow defensive. No one likes to be accused of being a bad person. When they feel threatened or attacked, they become completely unwilling to listen to what you have to say.
2. Summarize what the person just said back to them before making your point.
I find that people who get into arguments are oftentimes actually in agreement, but because they incorrectly perceived the other person’s argument, they grew upset and defensive. To avoid this, summarize how you understood the person’s comment before responding. This way you can be on the same page before you proceed with the conversation.
3. Communicate that your intent is to improve the relationship.
Crucial confrontations are often ineffective because each party feels like they are being personally attacked. They begin to feel unsafe in the conversation and resort to making degrading insults to protect their sense of self-worth. To break down this barrier, communicate from the outset that your goal is to improve the relationship. This will help to earn the other person’s trust. Trust is the most valuable asset in our personal and professional lives. Let the person know that you only want to find a better way to navigate certain situations in the future.
Concluding Note
There is no way to escape crucial confrontations, so it is important to learn tips and tactics for navigating them effectively. We have three choices when it comes to crucial conversations: violence, silence or the reconciling path. In silence, we only hurt ourselves by pretending everything is okay while bitter resentment slowly builds inside us. With violence, we try to use aggression and force to get our point across. The third - and most effective path - is to take the reconciling path. This means communicating in a calm, rational and honest way so that the relationship is better off than when the crucial confrontation began.
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